Fellowship of the Ring

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The Personalised
Lord of the Rings

Book 1 - The Fellowship of the Ring

Many years passed in Sherwood and Lilitho spent his time as all hobbits do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Lilitho was raised from his bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem so Lilitho hurried to see who it was making such a noise.

Lilitho opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was Coop the wizard.

Coop, is it really you? cried Lilitho in delight, bordering on disgust.

Do not put on the ring! warned Coop. I was not going to, replied Lilitho.

Coop appeared pale and wan. You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the land of South Chicago and was created by the hideous evil wanker, the Dark Lord Magneto. It will kill you and suck out your soul.

AAIIEE! said Lilith, I shall give it to you.

Yes, thanks a bunch. But rather you should take it to those who dwell in that magical place, Wellington, NZ. They will know what to do with it, lied Coop. Turning to the window with lightning reflexes Coop thrust his body through it and grasped the sexy little torso of a small hobbit.

Aha! cried Coop as he tried to pull the small creature through the now broken window, How much have you heard?

Nothing at all Mister Coop, except all those things you said.

Dargie, laughed Lilitho as Coop mangled Dargie's sexy little torso, What are you doing?

Begging your pardon Mr. Lilitho sir, I didn't mean any harm by it, whimpered Dargie, I haven't told anyone else and I would dearly love to see Wellington, NZ.

Coop gave Dargie's sexy little torso one last shag and said Then you at least shall accompany Lilitho, as shall Snoo and Jeff who are also outside.

You complete wankerhead, Dargie! laughed Snoo and Jeff unmerrily.

Lilitho, Dargie, Jeff and Snoo began the journey to Wellington, NZ. Coop had to go and speak to the boss wizard, Ted Casablanca and so would meet the hobbits later. He left them with a cautionary warning, Avoid using the road and do not, whatever you do, go anywhere near the barrow downs.

On the barrow downs, the hobbits were looking for shelter from the dark. Let's go in this tomb said Jeff. They all agreed that this was a good idea and got attacked by barrow wights.

Just as the hobbits were about to have their sexy little torsos removed by the undead fiends, a door of light opened out of nowhere and out popped a gaily-dressed man. He began to sing:

I am Tom Bombawankero
You naughty barrow wights
I'll cordwangle-o your nadgers-o
On a cold and frosty night
Twangdillo gorillo brillo padillo

The hobbits all lost consciousness at hearing this glorious song that spoke of the eternal power of nature. They awoke next day in the sunshine. The barrow wights were nowhere to be seen and neither was Tom Bombawankero. Fortunately. Let's get on the road where it's safe said Jeff.

Coop arrived at the tower of Ted Casablanca the White, the boss wizard. There is evil afoot! said Coop, There are tidings of badness and stirrings from South Chicago that cause my sexy little torso to stand on end

So I see, said Ted Casablanca. But enough of such things. I have become evil. Where is the ring? Ted Casablanca parted his robes, For I have become Ted Casablanca OF MANY COLOURS!

What is this? cried Coop, aghast at the naked form of Ted Casablanca beneath his robes.

Oh what a wanker, I forgot to put my many-coloured robes on said Ted Casablanca, quickly replacing his cloak. Now get to your room on top of my tower, and don't come out until you decide to tell me where the ring is

I hope the hobbits are alright thought Coop. Just as long as they've avoided the road

On the road, the hobbits were hiding from a dark rider. It was one of the dark homophobic fanboys from South Chicago. Do not put on the ring warned Snoo. I was not going to said Lilitho and the black rider buggered off.

Soon the hobbits arrived at the shaging wanker, an Inn for travellers such as themselves. Lilitho signed his name as Mr Not-Lilitho to avoid being recognised.

Greetings Lilitho said a hooded man in the corner of the Inn. I am called wankerer by folk, but I am also known as Ravenagorn, son of Ravenathorn. You can call me Raven. I have come to protect you. No evil doers may avoid my sword-that-was-broken! and he pulled out a stump of a sword, If they get close enough.

Dargie said How do we know we can trust this wankerer, Mr Lilitho? I mean Not-Lilitho.

I think that servants of Magneto would seem fairer and feel like more of a wanker said Lilitho. Whereas I feel fairer but look like a wanker! laughed Raven. Yes said Lilitho. Oh. said Raven.

Raven led the way to Wellington, NZ. On the way the companions heard a sound of hooves, a tinkling of bells, and the refrain of Dancing Queen by Abba, sung by a gay and jolly voice. Ah! called Raven, It is Dom the elf.

Raven coo-ee. said Dom as he flounced off his horse and the two friends hugged for more time than was strictly necessary.

Dom began to impart his news, Ooh, let me tell you, you wouldn't belieeeeve it. Those naughty homophobic fanboys are on your trail. What a pullava! Oh no, here they come. And he was right, for in the distance the forms of the nine homophobic fanboys were bearing down on them.

Fly, Lilitho, fly said Dom, Or better still, get on my horse and ride. Ooh what a bitch. And don't put on the ring.

Lilitho leapt onto Dom's pink horse. My horse is fleet of fetlock. They will not catch you. cried Dom as the homophobic fanboys caught up to Lilitho and stabbed him.

Sorely wounded, Lilitho escaped the clutches of the homophobic fanboys and spurred his horse on to the ford. He reached it and crossed, but had to stop, exhausted. The homophobic fanboys watched from the other side of the river. Come back, come back, to South Chicago we will take you. called the homophobic fanboys with grim voices. Your sexy little torso, your sexy little torso, we will shag it with a poker. Oh, and give us the ring.

You shall have neither the ring nor my sexy little torso screamed Lilitho as he fell off the horse. Nothing can stop us now except the very river rising up against us said the unlucky homophobic fanboys as they crossed the river which then rose up against them and swept them away like homophobic fanboys-shaped leaves in a river.

Lilitho woke up in Wellington, NZ's intensive care to see a familiar face smiling down on him. Coop, is it you? he murmured. Indeed it is, wankerish one. replied Coop kindly. You have been healed by the elves of Wellington, NZ said Coop and went on to describe what had befallen him since last they met. But how did you get away from the tower of Ted Casablanca? asked Lilitho. I escaped explained Coop inadequately. Also I went to look for that pathetic creature Stuart Townsend. It was he who first held the ring and was corrupted into the weasely little wankerer that told the evil Magneto of its location and e'en now seeks it again.

It was a pity said Lilitho, that the little runt Stuart Townsend was not slain earlier. Coop sucked on his pipe for a few moments and concluded Yes it was indeed a pity. Stuart Townsend is a worthless shit.

At the Council of Wellington, NZ the free peoples of Middle Earth gathered together to decide what should be done.

A tall man of the south called Ragapuffin spoke up. You should give the ring to me and I will become ruler of the world. Did I say that out loud? and he sat down sheepishly.

A short stumpy dwarf called babycakes said You must destroy this weapon of Magneto and he set about whacking it with his axe, which was a bit inconvenient for Lilitho as he was wearing it round his neck at the time. Stop this foolishness said Coop. Magneto has heard of hobbits and Sherwood at last and wants the ring back. But it will corrupt any of us who wield it. We must destroy it in the fires of Mount wanker in South Chicago where it was created. There shall be nine of us on this dire mission, to match the nine homophobic fanboys who ride. These nine shall be myself, Lilitho for the hobbit folk, Raven and Ragapuffin for the men, babycakes for the stout dwarves, Dom for the girly elves and Dargie, Jeff and Snoo for cannon fodder.

And so the stout band began their perilous journey to South Chicago. They tried to cross the mountains but it was a bit snowy so they turned back. Raven said Magneto's sexy little torso has grown long indeed if He can throw snow at us all the way from South Chicago. Coop agreed, His sexy little torso has grown long. We cannot go this way, we must go another way. A way that I have walked before but the memory of it is evil.

What way did you walk? asked Jeff Was it worse than the way you walk now? Coop set Jeff's sexy little torso on fire and continued, We must go through Moria, the abandoned Kingdom of the Dwarves!

I will not go through Moria gnashed Ragapuffin, What does the ringbearer say? Lilitho thought for a moment, We should go through Moria he said. Who gives a wanker what you think? Give me the ring and I shall destroy all before me and become King of the World! Kneel down before Ragapuffin, HAHAHAHAAAAA! Coop began to have doubts as to the wisdom of bringing Ragapuffin along.

At the doors of Moria was a sign. It read Speak wanker and enter. Hmm hmmed Coop, But what to speak? Raven ponced up to the door, Aside gnarled one. I have reforged my sword-that-was-broken. It has been mended anew. No mere door shall stay my sorcerous blade, wielded by my awesome sinews. I shall smite it thus! And thus! And... oh no I've broken it again. And he began to cry. You are an utter wanker, Raven said Coop. At that the doors opened.

All you had to do was speak the word wanker and it would open said babycakes. That figures said Dom gaily, You Dwarves are a bunch of wankers.

The fellowship entered the dark empty halls of Moria. Be very, very quiet commanded Coop No Jeff, don't juggle next to the well/burglar alarm! But it was too late as Jeff dropped his juggling balls and unicycle down the well. You wanker of a Jeff! said Coop, kicking him in the sexy little torso.

We must be swift, intoned Coop as the knob on the end of his staff began to glow, Follow me and my glowing knob. Did I say something funny Snoo? Right, I will lead you from danger into the light. he said, walking into a room full of orcs. Oops! said Coop.

We must run from this place, cried Coop, turning to see the rest of the fellowship disappearing into the distance. Coop ran after them.

Hotly pursued, they reached a great stone bridge over a mighty chasm. The horde of orcs stopped. Raven, who was hiding behind Dom's prancing form, strode out. Ha ha! They are afraid. Afraid of Ravenagorn and his sword-that-is-knackered! See how they cower before my manly chin.

Then a most monstrously hideous creature with a disgustingly awful visage, leapt over the thronging throng of orcs. It filled the cavern with its loathsome bulk, its unwholesome face contorted in a rictus of bestial rage. Raven wet himself.

AAIIEE! mentioned Dom. A Bob the cave trollrog is coming. We are all going to DIEEEEEE!

This is a foe beyond all of you. said Coop, Fly you wankers, fly! Coop turned to see that again, the fellowship had already hopped it. As the pig-ugly Bob the cave trollrog smashed Coop through the bridge and into the abyss, Coop thought bitterly Actually I could have done with a bit of help.

About a mile from Moria, the fellowship stopped running. Raven was hysterical. They're going to get us and cut our sexy little torsos off. I'm too beautiful to die.

Dom minced forward. Tell you what. The Elven forest of Lorien is near here. We could stay there until things blow over. They're a lovely bunch of boys.

That is not what we say in Gondor. growled Ragapuffin. Then you are wankers in Gondor. said Raven, I've spent many a gay night in the company of the Elves. No one sought to challenge him on that.

In Lorien, the fellowship were made very welcome and were given magical pastel-coloured cloaks with lovingly sewn-on sequins and black leather SS caps to stave off the cold in the coming quest. Lilitho was asked to come before Lijah, lovely Queen of the Elves. She was beauteous indeed. The very sight of her caused Lilitho's sexy little torso to swell.

Greetings, my lttle Lilitho. said Lijah, I have a gift for you. And she gave Lilitho a most-favorite CD.

Thank you, my lady Lijah. said Lilitho when he got his breath back. Whenever I am cold and lonely, the thought of that most-favorite CD will sustain me.

The fellowship left the glitterball-infested forest of Lorien. Oh dear said Dargie, Are we going to that 'orrible South Chicago place Mr Lilitho? Lilitho considered a moment and said I need to think about this by myself. I will go up on that hill to think alone on my own without anyone else.

I will go with you. said Ragapuffin.

On the hill, Lilitho was in deep thought. Then Ragapuffin appeared. Give the ring to me Lilitho and I will use it to be King of the Universe, get loads of money, girls and drugs, get shit-faced every night and destroy utterly, anyone who gets in my way he said. I'm sorry Ragapuffin but I can't help but think you might misuse it, replied Lilitho. That does it. yelled Ragapuffin, unsheathing his sword, I'm going to slice your sexy little torso off. Lilitho became alarmed at this and put on the ring. He disappeared from sight.

What have I done? cried Ragapuffin. Lilitho, you have misunderstood me. Come back! Then Raven appeared, What has happened here? he asked. Nothing, honest. said Ragapuffin. May I be shot full of arrows if I'm not telling the truth.

Thus ends Book One of the Lord of the Rings